screen-shot-2015-03-31-at-9-04-34-amDear Mr. Lee Roth,

Humala bebuhla zeebuhla boobuhla Humala bebuhla zeebuhla bop!

As a die-hard Van Halen fan since the heavy bass-line for “Running With The Devil” played on my record player…I ask of you: for the love of all things holy…please recognize that your 15 minutes of fame are were up 30 years ago. I’m not saying this to be mean, I respect what you did as the frontman for arguably the biggest rock act to ever plug in their Marshall stacks. I have never been a DLR vs. Van Hagar enabler. I always felt that what you did and what Sammy Hagar did highlighted different times in the very long and storied history of Van Halen.

The reason I’m asking you to self-reflect is because like many before you who didn’t know when to call it quits, you are embarrassing yourself. Moreover. you are embarrassing the memory of the DLR that I  – and millions of other VH fans – WANT to remember.

I don’t know if you suffer from the same ailment that former RUN-DMC rapper Darryl Mac is suffering through – known as spasmodic dysphonia – but my suggestion to you is to use it! Because, hearing you “sing”, on Jimmy Kimmel over the last two nights, it sounds like you have a bad case of it. But DMC handles it better. So, I say, claim it as yours and make it Diamond Dave’s latest problem to overcome! You may be able to get an “honest” medical marijuana Rx out of it (not like you don’t already) .

Listen, I watched Emmit Smith leave the Dallas Cowboys and run for the Arizona Cardinals and I thought THAT was sad to watch…until I saw you on Kimmel this week. I paid to see Mike Tyson’s last fight on Pay Per View…you know, the one he “gave up” during?! You don’t know how much I prayed for you to quit Van Halen – yet again- right there…before “Running With The Devil” began on Kimmel the other night.

To be sure that I wasn’t just catching you at a time where your monitors weren’t working (followed by the some intense, obligatory DLR hissy-fit immediately after the broadcast) I went to YouTube to watch a few Van Halen concerts. Most from 2012…which stuck me. It struck me because as I watched you “kinda-sing” your way through a few concerts in Japan (obviously making up for your lack of ability to sing by shouting Japanese to get a ‘pop’ from the crowd), I was struck by how money hungry those Van Halen boys (yes, a joke at Wolfie’s expense) for more money. Clearly, NOT putting on a show for Van Halen fans. If they were interested in doing anything for the fans, you wouldn’t be spinning and twirling a mic stand like a baton girl, only to have that very microphone stand try to prevent you from whatever it was you were about to do to it, the sound system and the ear-holes of the fans lining the streets of Hollywood – not to mention the viewers at home.  That microphone stand wanted you to stop. It knew what was coming…it was like “…yeah, dude, you shouldn’t do this. Here, let me slice your nose open so maybe you’ll take mercy upon me and what I was created for.”

The mic stand begged you not to do it…that’s a sign, Dave.

I then went on to watch the 1983 US Festival Van Halen performance on YouTube. Amazing!! THAT was what God created rock, electric guitars and Marshall Stacks for.

THAT was the past. Not the present and certainly not the future of Van Halen.

I fear that there is already too much crappy DLR reunion with Van Halen water under the embarrassment bridge…but perhaps you could re-direct. Perhaps you could still make a difference. Perhaps you could take the microphone stands advice and go. Make yourself available for judging Americas Got Talent or American Idol. Get a mentor spot on The Voice! Call Comedy Central for the Roast Of David Lee Roth…all of that would be amazing!  Nab a cooking show on the Food Network or even a house flipping show on HGTV, all the cool former stars are doing it. Use your life as the basis for an HBO / AMC or Showtime series…it seems to be a great way to wrap up your golden years…

This debacle of a tour that you are embarking upon this Summer/Fall (to be fair I have the under on 23 shows before the tour is canceled for some band member having some kind of ‘medical’ issue) is going to be the nail in the “…DLR always claimed to be a showman and I believed him! Now, not only can he NOT sing, but he also ruins shows…” coffin.

I don’t want to remember THIS David Lee Roth with Van Halen. Please give my mind the ability to recall DLR in the “Panama” video not the DLR “half-singing” his way through “Panama” like Stephen Pearcy used to do and like Vince Neil does. No more claiming to be the entertainer to end all entertainers…and retire that “tatooed-vest” skeletor you call a body, which you sadly attempt to convulse around on stage. And if that sounds the end of Van Halen as an entity, I’m OK with that. Van Halen has mostly been a memory in the back of my mind anyway. And that’s OK. I would rather have THAT than my head in my hands with embarrassment trying to defend to my daughter why I sold her on Van Halen – with Roth – being one of the greatest rock bans EVAR. Then the opening (half) lyrics come on for “Panama” on Kimmel…and my daughter looks at me with a look of confusion and resentment for forcing her to watch you, rather than Sponge Bob.

I wish you all the best. I just hope you can realize that for fans of Van Halen…and fan’s of their own ear-holes…that doesn’t include any more David Lee Roth with Van Halen.

 

Sincerely,

VH Fan Who Now Realizes That He Should Have Been Careful What He Wished For

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