The Holiday’s. I LOVE THEM! I love listening to Christmas music, feeling that time of the season, wrapping gifts and being with family. As much as anybody…but…
The reason I knew that the Holiday’s were here was because I couldn’t believe my ears when I heard one of the following 5 songs about a week before Thanksgiving. That shock was coupled with the one thing I ask Santa for every year, but have never yet received. Apparently, I’m just not good enough – instead my ear-holes bombarded with these audible lumps of coal EVERY. SINGLE. YEAR. Without fail and with unfortunate side effects on my otherwise very welcoming disposition.
These songs make me despise the holiday season. They should never be played anywhere, ever, again. Some are not even Christmas songs! Just because NASCAR gets updates on SportsCenter doesn’t make it a sport (they also air putt-putt golf and poker…YOU tell me).
So here I go dispensing my case to you in hopes that your 2013 Christmas Wish will match up with mine and that the jolly old fat man in the red suit can bring us all the end to these holiday debacles:
DEBACLE #5: No matter how much you try to undo the acid you were handed at Ozzfest, the only thing worse than thinking that Slipknot was talking directly to you is knowing that come late November, you can never undo the annoying ringing of the horrible line “…simply having a wonderful Christmas time…” from your “…here let me repeat that for you 837 times…” mind. It’s my belief it’s this song that drives up suicide rates during the holidays. If there is a Santa Claus, my wish outside of having this song destroyed everywhere would be to make it 100% legal for me to punch the person who makes me listen to it, square in the larynx.
DEBACLE #4: For the past 10 years, this “contribution” to the holiday season has spun an otherwise happy holiday season and turned every single jolly elf at the North Pole into a sobbing mess. Curled up into the fetal position and warmed only by their tears and empty bottles of Cymbalta. Not only does this song make the universal lists of worst Christmas song ever, but it makes my list of simply: worst song ever recorded. Let this song be the argument for keeping “Christ” out of “Christmas”. I wanna take those shoes for when “…Mama meets Jesus…” and kick the singe in the bits and bobbles. Using perfectly innocent child-actors who will be addicted to 3-5 forms of narcotics by the time this blog posts – in order to force feigned emotion from dark, black souls like mine…my ears cannot jump off my head fast enough. Don’t listen anywhere near a window higher than one story above the sidewalk.
DEBACLE #3: I remember how awkward I felt when I heard this song as a child. Laying under the Bower Family Christmas tree and my Mom – the worlds biggest John Denver fan – was wrapping presents and listening to this song. Even at that young age, I knew that this really couldn’t be a Christmas song. Not like the Perry Como, Andy Williams, Frank Sinatra that my parents were constantly listening to. Now, as an adult, I think that EVERYONE can relate to the song, but that doesn’t make it holiday appropriate. A full grown man waxing cathartic “…now I’m eight, as you can see…” is creepy, unsettling and feels like it should be followed by Chris Hansen announcing himself, showing emailed pics of JD’s junk and explaining how they found 50 gallon drums of Astroglide and a gas powered vibrator in the back of his dually. Just recall John’s glasses and bowl cut…
DEBACLE #2: Another year, another time we have to hear this hot, forced mess. The word “lover” should never be uttered. Ever. Let alone be an opening line to a song. And HOW exactly is THIS a Christmas song? Riddle me that Batman! The Christmas Song version of T.M.I. – Thanks Dan, this year (like all others) I’ll pass on the drinking and driving message jizzed all over this song. I feel like this song is immediately followed by: “…wait. Did I say all of that out loud?” You would expect this from a George Thorogood song, not from Dan Fogelberg…
DOCTORING THIS XMAS TURD WITH THE ARGUABLY MORE MASCULINE TAYLOR SWIFT AS OPPOSED TO THE SOFTLY EFFEMINATE GEORGE MICHAEL..DOESN’T HELP THIS NON-CHRISTMAS, BECOME A CHRISTMAS SONG!
This song is so overplayed and amazingly bleh in it’s mediocrity…music just vomited in it’s own mouth! Let’s not forget, just because it’s played a lot doesn’t make it a good song. Ask Milli-Vanilli. And just because you put the word Christmas into the title DOES NOT MAKE THIS A CHRISTMAS SONG!! It’s a stupid, self-indulgent, 80’s defining song about break ups. You know, back when girls TOTALLY convinced themselves that George Michael wasn’t gay. Like when I was growing up and Liberace was just an “eternal bachelor”…Taylor Swift can try all she wants – she can grab Katy Perry and open mouth kiss her for the entire song and it still doesn’t make this a legit Christmas song…or anything other than just plain annoying. Every year…it ruins my Holidays.
AND…to cleanse the Christmas palate: